When I first found out about this shocking news. I was in my truck. I was checking Facebook on my phone and I was like 'wtf when did this happen!?'
I was in shock for the first few minutes. It doesn't help that I really don't have anyone to share my thoughts and feelings with... So I kinda bottled it up for a few hours. But then as I went through my day and thoughts kept running through my head (more along the lines of why and wtf) I completely broke down while I was driving. I still feel it so vividly. My heart started beating faster, my eyes started to cloud with tears and I was swerving off the road. I pulled over on instinct and just cried my eyes out.
It took me a few minutes to calm down before I started driving again. Once I got home, I wrapped myself around my blankets and cried until I had to go out again.
I love sunglasses. But that day I just felt grateful for their existence. I could hide my eyes, and since I usually wear sunglasses indoors, no one thought it was weird.
So this news of course has to with my number one ultimate bias. My prince, my eternal center, my inspiration, Kim Kyu Jong.
As a K-pop fan, I knew that eventually I would have to endure two years without my idols. In my case, SS501. Military duty is just something that you can't avoid and besides it's very honorable to do your country right.
I was not expecting him to enlist NOW!
In my fangirl mind, I expected them to enlist together to get it over with all at once. And since my boys are still young, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this until at least 2014.
This is the real world and my fangirl mind has no value.
I am a wreck.
I am not the type of person to get overly emotional. I only ever get emotional when I am distressed. And when I say emotional, I mean tears every where, temper tantrums, and anxiety attacks. You know the sort of emotions that would get a person committed.
The first day (or afternoon) I spent it away from the internet. I refused to get online and busied myself with other things. I spent the evening listening to 'Get Ya Luv' on repeat and crying to my sister. She is a saint, she just held me while I lashed out on her. But she was still there for me. I went to sleep early with all my emotions tightly bottled up.
The next morning, I woke up at 6am. I was cranky and irritable. Everything set me off and my sisters did not appreciate my attitude. I resolved to calm my self down. I couldn't act like this on my mom's birthday. Since I had a free day, I spent my day napping with my brother and planning her dinner. I did not think about him all morning long. But I felt winded up and I was beginning to feel really strained.
So I put 'Crying' on replay in order to sing away my sadness. I know that it sounds really weird to be singing about not being to see him anymore, but it helped.
By dinner time, I was literally forcing myself to be pleasant. My frustration and sadness was beginning to manifest physically. It began to show with my snappy attitude and my mini anxiety attacks.
As the evening progressed, my anxiety attacks began to get worse. All the noise around was getting to me and a migraine was beggining to form.
I decided to lay down on my bed and try to calm down.
I didn't really help... but since my dad rented Thor and I am such an Avengers fangirl, I dragged myself out of bed and watched the movie with my family. All the while, pointing out all the Avengers hints littered through out the movie. It kept me distracted for a while, but once the movie was over, I didn't know what to do with myself.
This is when all hell broke lose. I just started bawling my eyes out. I cried for about 3 hours straight. I was praying and crying and lashing out at everyone. I was just a mess. I haven't had an emotional break down like that since high school. Even though I knew how irrational I was behaving, I couldn't stop. I never really have any control over my emotions when I am like this anyways.
I went to sleep around 3 am and I was exhausted. I woke up at 4am, then 6am and then 8 before finally I just finally gave up. I didn't get any sleep and for some reason I kept dreaming that Siwon from Super Junior was a doctor and he needed to save Donghae before he died. Idk my mind does crazy things...
So yea... Today, wasn't any better actually. I haven't cried... but I feel like I am calmed down enough to deal with my emotions.
The initial shock is what got to me. Idols generally enlist early when they have scandals threatening their careers and they need that escape to get away from the media and comeback with a clean start. But Kyubaby was just hinting last week that there would be a new album. So honestly this was just unexpected. It came like a blow.
I love all of SS501. I love all the boys about the same. But Kim KyuJong is my bias. I fell for him and love him and I haven't even been his fan for more than a year. I basically put Kyubaby up in a pedestal and I want the best for him. I want to see him suceed, I want to see him shine. I want to see him outshine everyone and be the Kyubaby that I know he is. As his fan, I really feel this way and believe that he can make it happen.
I know that it is actually better that he enlists now so he doesn't have to stop later when he is at his peak. The fact that he isn't at his peak yet but has the ambition to go higher makes me happy. But it still makes me extremely sad. Because I am selfish and I can't help but feel that I was my fault.
How is this my fault you ask? Well on Monday, I was praying and talking to God about my inability to completely open up myself to him and trust him. I was feeling really cold and unemotional. I just wasn't feeling anything. My happiness was superficial. So I asked him to do something, no matter how painful. I asked him to do something that would make me move. I asked him to do something that would make me react fiercely so that I would finally feel something and feel the need to trust him.
I got my prayer answered didn't I.
I definitely did not expect for God to answer me like this. I know many would say that it is just a coincidence. But I believe in God and I know that coincidences don't exist. God is perfect and his time and purpose with this news is perfect. I just hope that whatever his purpose is regarding Kyujong, that it be amazing for all Triple S and ThanKYU who love and adore this man.
So all I can do right now as his fan (and for my own sanity) is accept what is happening and embrace all the good things that will come from it. I will wait two years to see him again. I hope that in two years, I will be in a better place than I am in now. I hope that in two years, I will have that song I want to write for him. I hope that in two years, I will worthy of being a fan of Kim Kyujong.
On the plus side, it also gives me two years to save up enough money to go to South Korea and see him. xD
One of the highlights of this whole ordeal has been my little eight year old sister. I don't know how or why, but she kind of fell in love with k-pop too. Except she has a mind of her own and doesn't love everything I do. While she likes SS501, she says that she likes Leader more. She has told me many times that she only loves Leader but the other members are cool too. She is a huge SONE and loves them with all her heart.
She is such an innocent litte kid. When I told her about the news, she understood right away. She was like 'Why... I thought he was to young.' Then she proceded to hug me and tell me it was only two years.
She kept her distance from me and comforted me in small ways. She would hug me without asking and tried to keep my little brother out of my hair.
Today she surprised me. We were at the pool and for some reason she began to ask me questions. Then she asked me if I knew when he would be leaving. I told her sometime in July. Then she gives me this look and says "At least he has time to pack before he leaves for the military"
Okay so since I have been out of my mind, I haven't been able to properly spaz and enjoy YoungSaeng's comeback. I haven't even had time to listen to his album yet. I have been really out of it.
I plan to be okay. I've been writing more songs and I feel OKAY.
I am going to be fine and I am going to wait for Kim Kyujong and SS501.
I have been listening to old school Celine Dion for the past few days (it calms me) and like she says
"Let the rain come down and wash away my tears. let it fill my soul and drown my fears. let it shatter the walls for a new sun. a new day has come"
This is so true regarding my feelings for Kim Kyujong.
I think I can really open myself to God now. I don't know how or why this has changed... but I think I understand.
I feel invigorated after writing this.
Good night world.
I hope tomorrow I will wake to wonderful news about my boys since they are attending his last fan meeting before leaving for the military.
Lots of love
Edit 6/5/2012: I just looked this over. All edited to the best of my ability at this very moment. And something good did come out of it. My boys reunited as one for the first time in two years. It was my first time seeing them as one. And it only reiterated to me why I fell for these boys. Because no matter how far their dreams take them, their brotherhood stands strong. They are after all 5 super stars united as one forever. <3 <3 <3